Tuesday, December 5, 2023
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‘Armageddon’ No Longer The Worst Film

Illustrious astrophysicist and friend of the random nerd, Neil deGrasse Tyson, has officially determined that he has a new most-hated movie — Moonfall.

Why is this news? Welp, it’s always fun to see what the universe’s most renowned cosmologist hates when it comes to fictional, CGI-laden, science-fiction movies. Roland Emmerich had a certain panache for utter global devastation (i.e., Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012). He would put up his highfalutin LEGO models and incinerate them like he was a six-year-old arsonist.

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Despite the fact Emmerich made his latest apocalyptic alarm, more than a year ago Neil deGrasse Tyson has now determined a movie with a tongue-in-cheek trailer and a flummoxed concept of a hollow moon sucks.

Thanks for that timely headline, bruh. Let’s explore.

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Missed You, Hollywood

It’s called Science “FICTION” for a reason, NDT. (Source: Reiner Bajo via Centropolis Entertainment)

Poor guy. He walks outside his Lower Manhattan neighborhood, sits on the porch of his Tribeca high-rise, and notices something peculiar — no TV cameras were pointed at him. It’s not enough to be the Director of the Hayden Planetarium as the top mind about outer space. Dude likes the limelight, so he thumbed through his 2022 DVD collection and had an idea. He

He called up The Jess Cagle Show on SXM, who carries a big stick as SiriusXM’s chief entertainment anchor. The mission–put his own footprint on the moon. Asked about the plot of Moonfall, Neil deGrasse Tyson informed the world why this science fiction broached fake etiquette.

“They learn that [the moon is] hollow and there’s a moon-being made out of rocks living inside of it and the Apollo missions were really to visit and to feed the moon being, so I said, ‘Alright, I thought Armageddon had a secure hold on this crown, but apparently not. 

“All you gotta do is just nudge it and if you do that early enough, if you nudge it like one centimeter per second to the right, in space, there’s no friction, so it’ll just keep drifting to the right. If you do that early enough, then you can have the asteroid pass in front of the Earth rather than hit the Earth, or you can slow it down so that it’ll pass behind the Earth.”

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Neil deGrasse Tyson via The Jess Cagle Show

No word on whether Cagel asked Tyson about E.T., The Last Starfighter, The Fifth Element, Men in Black, or Flash Gordon.

‘Armageddon’ is No Longer the Worst Tyson Movie

Armageddon is no longer Neil deGrasse Tyson's most hated film. What a relief.

One other reason why this gained national headlines is that when the Bruce Willis, explosion porn, pre-apocalyptic film Armageddon was resoundingly his most-hated, physics-illiterate film ever made.

He rolled out of his bad underneath the glow-in-the-dark stars and had a similar experience, so he aimed his Nerf gun at Michael Bayfive years later. Evidently, he roasted up some popcorn and wanted some entertainment. He did what most people do, he asked Twitter where he could find Armageddon.

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Netflix didn’t waste a second:

And ruin, he did.

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Never mind that NASA or Boston Dynamics has ever called Michael Bay for thoughts on celestial navigation or robotics in movies, Neil deGrasse Tyson–protector of the cosmos–decided the behind the Transformers franchise can get hit by Halley’s Comet.

On that day, Tyson said Armageddon violated “more laws of physics (per minute) than any other film in the universe.” Thanks, Mr. Sunshine, for lowering your standards to nitpick another fake movie. Next on his slate is something about seeing aliens being heresy against NASA alien bylaws because of authentic space-life movies, such as Mars Attacks, Howard the Duck, Killer Klowns in Outer Space, and Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

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